All The Single Ladies: the Kate Middleton story

“How She Clinched Her Prince” and “Middleton Secures Her Spot On The Throne” are just some of the headlines appearing all over the media in the last week. You would swear that Khanyi Mbau has resurfaced in all her bling and weaves; or that some fame-hungry woman has just won her bachelor, with all the media frenzy. But Mbau will have to wait for Mandla to regain his millions and for Crous to divorce his wife before she gets any more attention. Another dame has snatched the spotlight from her: Kate Middleton is (finally?) engaged to Prince William of England, the second-in-line to the British throne.

How did she do it, you ask? What’s her secret? How does a middle-class girl-next-door like her “clinch” arguably the most eligible bachelor in the world? Well that’s what the frenzy is all about, innit? It cannot be because they genuinely like – love(!) – each other enough to take the proverbial plunge! Do we have another Princess Di on our hands? Twice in one lifetime? Gasp!

What a coup this has been for the South African press. The rape of a 15 year old girl at Jules High, and the murder of British citizen and newlywed Anni Dewani in Gugulethu township last week just wasn’t cutting it as newsworthy on the press room floor.  There is nothing like the engagement announcement of British Royalty to grab people’s attention. And pockets.

So, I guess congratulations to the Royal Couple are in order. But I digress.

What is of particular concern rather is the image of Kate Middleton as gold-digger – and a royal one at that – that is being implied by the press. Allan Gray, the financial investment management firm, was quick to capitalise off the opportunity that this image presented and published a print advertisement that appeared in the Sunday Times newspaper (21 November 2010) which carried her image with the tagline: Patience pays off.  Go ahead. Laugh. I surely did. Loudly at that! And then I rolled my eyes at the ingenuity of this advert. It’s a cool enough ad, funny in its unfunniness. Kudos to Allan Gray. If they didn’t run with the ad, Nandos would have. Imagine it: “The Princess Meal”. Or, the “If You Like It Then You Should Have Put A Ring On It Meal”, complete with a complimentary ring for guys to use to propose to their girlfriends. Or, rather, for women to use to get their guys to propose to them. Which is what Kate did, right? Shackle her man to a Ball and Chain and force him to go down on one knee for her. I mean, she is the sole agent in her relationship. Prince William – or Big Willies, as she apparently affectionately refers to him (rolls eyes**) – played no part in this courtship. Uh-huh.

Conveniently for the media, and perhaps even for those who shudder to question the status quo, Kate fits perfectly into the limited designated roles available for women. If it’s not the housewife, the ingénue, or the video ho, it’s the gold-digger. Seven years she spent cosying up to the royal family, attending various high profile functions like the Prince’s RAF Induction Ceremony, waiting like Princess Fiona in Shrek, for William to pop the question. As if she could not do it herself. All that the couple did to remain a secret, particularly in the early years of their relationship, are kept safeguarded by the gatekeepers of information, who would not have us know. Forget that she has a degree, helped her parents make a success of their business and as such is pretty well-to-do herself. No. She’s just Kate Middleton: The Royal Gold-Digger.

Cinderella and Snow White are probably looking down at Kate from that great white castle in the sky with tears of joy streaming down their perfectly matte L’Oreal faces. That’s another achievement for princesses who worked hard to be where they are today. I mean, Cinderella had to put in elbow grease as well as put up with two ugly step sisters and their crazy mother; while Snowy ate an apple from a jealous witch and almost died for this position! This is cut throat! Many mothers will be tucking their little daughters in to bed with this story: Weighty Katey and the Prince Who Almost Got Away!

The media has taken on a life of its own with this story, with many major publications consulting royal sources and analysing what her engagement means for British society and royalty at large. She’s had a raw deal, particularly from the British press, from the start. It must be hard having to live up to the fabulous life of Princess Di – especially with her ring around that finger! But the media won’t stop now. Await speculation of a movie based on her life and times. Who to play Kate?  Megan Fox? Too trashy. Matt Damon rumoured as the eligible bachelor himself; Tom Cruise in his directorial debut?

Same script. Different cast. It would be sad if it wasn’t so profitable. Apparently craziness is diagnosed as doing the same over and over again, and expecting a different result every time. I always expect the media to present its audiences with varying images and critiques of women which are representative and holistic. I must be crazy because I open the paper each morning to find a scantily clad model staring back at me, asking if I would like cream with my coffee (rolls eyes**). I’ll take it black with no sugar, thanks.

So, Single Ladies. If it isn’t already abundantly clear to you, the way to a man’s heart is through his pockets. And, if it’s a royal pocket you have to go through to get there, even better! Now, let’s watch and see if Chelsea is taking tips from her big-sister-in-law-to-be-if-she plays-her-cards-right. Every girl deserves her knight in shining armour, after all.

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh, oh; oh oh oh **singing loudly, albeit off-key, to Beyonce.

Naledi Siphokazi Msimang is a Research Assistant for the ICT and New Media Cultures in Southern Africa project in the Department of Media Studies, University of the Witwatersrand. She likes Beyonce. And Kate Middleton. And Khanyi Mbau. And fairytales.

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